Thalassophobic

I hate the feeling of extremely submissive
The worst emotion created is guilt. No human can bear this emotion, that’s why all we need to do is to avoid. This is the conscience i a talking abt. Emotion comes in different forms, guilt is worst for it simply disturb everything. I think even without religion or law, your conscience wouldn't let you kill people, wouldn't let you do immoral acts, wouldn’t let you hurt people because your emotion can never hold guilt. It harms everything, when guilt fill in your emotion cup, all other emotions in the universe has to leave the cup. You can never feel happy neither tranquil for the universe is not inside you anymore. As much as we want to avoid, sometimes it just unavoidable. Bc there can always be pressure and triggers out there that will make guilt haunt you.

Someday, i will find myself someone, who will take me out of this mess. And by that I didn’t mean i will leave this dark deep ocean. It is still my place, but maybe i will have someone as my tranquil island or maybe transcending boat, to the very least, perhaps just another swimmer could do well too. I wish there is someone, when i have to swim to that mess with fears of what is beneath, he will be there. Whenever i found myself so immersed in the mess, more or less drowning in that ocean, I hope i could see him as my tranquility, i hope i could be saved by his transcendence, i hope i could erase my fear with just him staying by my side.

After all, who am i to deserve my own hopes? For my fear towards the invisible-but-there monsters beneath, will life be fair enough to place an island there, will life be fair enough to let a boat wander around this ocean, and will life be fair enough to let a person be my warm companion? I knew it is a selfish idea to hope for all these rubbish bc in the end of the day i don't deserve anything of my hopes. It is selfish to have someone as an escapism. It is selfish to invite someone into my darkness just so he could find a way out for me.

Someday, i will find myself a person whom his ocean is a heaven to me. I will swim in there so my guilt and fears i brought from my dark ocean dissolve. Bc his ocean was heavenly, the dissolving guilt and fears soon crystallize into some beautiful corals when it is too much. Whenever i am afraid of putting so much corals in there, this person assure this heavenly ocean is infinite. I hope he will too able to dissolve those emotion he brought somewhere from his dark ocean, and when the dissolving emotion is too much, it will just turn into beautiful fishes and anemome . So without  realizing, our ocean became more heavenly for us. This ocean is where i want to nurture a human, so she wouldn't find darkness in it. This is the ocean where she could always take the beautiful corals out to decorate other oceans she found when she grew. 💕 after all, this wouldn't be a selfish idea anymore, i hope.


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